It’s been awhile since I’ve updated the blog and there’s been a lot a change since my last post. We cancelled our IUI cycle halfway through (my follicles weren’t responding to the injections) and dove headfirst into IVF. Without getting into too much detail, I found IVF incredibly draining and we ultimately decided we’d give ourselves two rounds. Miraculously after two mostly unsuccessful rounds, I became pregnant with our second and last embryo. As I write this post, I’m almost 39 weeks pregnant and on maternity leave. While I haven’t been regularly updating the blog, I have been journaling as a means of processing all the emotions that come with pregnancy after infertility. I wanted to share an excerpt from one of my journal entries as maybe some of you can relate:
One thing this pregnancy has given me is the ability to trust my body again.
Learning about and living with a genetic disorder, I became disillusioned with my body from a young age. It’s a complicated feeling not trusting your body to carry out the biological tasks it’s supposed to without assistance. I wore a deep rooted shame throughout my teenage and adult years; knowing I would never have children without medical intervention. In some ways, I believed my inability to conceive made me less of woman. Of course, the rational side of my brain knows this isn’t true, but growing up, it was incredibly difficult to feel ‘normal’ knowing my biological limitations. I eventually came to terms with my condition and got to a place where I could celebrate everything my body did for me. I was a competitive dancer and throwing myself into dance helped me appreciate my body and the ways I was different.
Once I became pregnant, despite the immense joy and surprise I felt, I feared whether my body would be able to carry out this task. The anxieties I experienced during the first trimester often felt unbearable. Could I carry this baby to term? Would it abandon me during this most critical period? I was riddled with constant anxiety up until I started feeling regular kicks and movement. Given my history, I told my family about my pregnancy very early on, but with the caveat that I might miscarry or something would turn up on our NIPT. I broke down when our IVF clinic told me they couldn’t do genetic testing on our embryos and I didn’t purchase anything for the baby until almost my third trimester when I finally felt like I could relax a bit.
Despite these psychological challenges, pregnancy has been deeply healing for me. I went into IVF hopeful, but without the expectation it would work or that we’d end up with a baby. I mentally prepared myself for every scan and every appointment, knowing nothing was guaranteed except the inconceivably high price tag for every round of medication and treatment. I approached both cycles with the same caution I’d approached previous medical challenges. It was empowering knowing I could live a full life with or without children. I have so much respect for anyone who chooses, or who has the choice made for them, to live a childfree life. And those who become adoptive or foster parents.
I have never cried as much as I did when I got the first call from my IVF clinic letting us know our second transfer was successful. Not to sound dramatic, but it felt like decades of trauma leaving my body. It was one of the best days of my life. I felt an immense sense of gratitude towards my body; for all it had been through and for everything we were about to experience. While we know there will be future challenges, I was able to breathe a little easier. Becoming pregnant was something I never fully believed would be possible for me.
While I haven’t loved every day of this pregnancy, I’m forever in awe of what my body has achieved. With each passing week, as my bump has grown bigger and my baby’s kicks have become stronger, I’ve never felt more proud of my body.
prairie girl musings 